Have I changed?

Is been a long while since I have blogged about serious matters. Since the year started, I have been trying really hard to be more positive, enjoying the life I am leading now (i.e. just have more fun, network and catch up with old friends) and in a way attempting to change myself to a better person, to someone whom friends and family would depend on when they need help. But as months go by, I realized that I may have changed for the worse...

I guess I should have blogged this long time ago but I just cant seem to bring myself blog it until today. An incident happened to me early this year (which is not convenient for me to blog about). But it is that same incident that have sparked the change in me, to be less trusting and be less sympathetic towards people who aren't close to me. In fact, I am practically heartless and can't wait for "retribution" to take place in any form that those idiots should deserve or witness the downfall of some assholes out there.After listening to their lame excuses, well-prepared speeches to justify their decisions, etc. I have asked myself many times "Why should I be so nice to these people? Why put in that extra effort when I know at the end of the day...I am not getting what I deserve? Why work myself to bad health when all I get is the feeling of being incompetent and demoralized?" In the past, I have found many reasons to justify all these....but I realized is all lame excuses to make myself feel better and delay my decision making process. Deep inside, the frustrations just build on...waiting to explode....

Most of the time, I bring all these ill feelings and frustrations home...and guess what? Who gets the receiving end of all of my frustrations? My family... Now the ONLY thing that i am probably most capable of is making my parents worry for me... C'mon..how old am i? I shouldnt be having my parents worrying about me?! I should be mature enough to handle all these... but I guess the more they try to care and the support they try to give...the more frustrated I am, wondering whats wrong with myself and it just continues...is indeed a vicious cycle...

I have indeed changed for the worse... being the bad tempered daughter, the lousy friend that I don't think any of my friends are proud of as well as the "don't give a damn shit" incompetent colleague....

I have no idea..if one day I'll regain the trust and be more sympathetic towards people....but for now...I must think of ways to vent my frustrations elsewhere and not have my family suffer bcos of my immature way of handling frustrations.

As for the "cause" of the change in me....well...to the involved parties to the "cause"... I can't wait to see how "retribution" works its wonders around....the pain of losing something and not having what you deserve.....is not easy to swallow and say "life still goes on...". To some other people, that loss could mean life & death.... at least for me..i am glad i didnt lose the support from my family...as well as friends like DQ, Ah Di, Ah Wen, Marky, beaniee, etc.

"想笑 来伪装掉下的眼泪 点点头 承认自己会怕黑 我只求 能借一点时间来陪 你却连同情都不给

想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没 全世界好像只有我疲惫 无所谓 反正难过就敷衍走一回"